Banana Bread

Difficulty Rating:


I know! I know. It's been forever. I know. Please don't hate me. I have, like, three things to post up, and will do so soon, my lovelies. I promise. In the meantime, here is some delicious bread to take your mind off it. :D

Recipe

1 2/3 cups Self Rising Flour
1 tsp Cinnamon
1 c + 2 tbls Sugar
2 eggs
1/2 c vegetable oil
3 1/2 overripe bananas, mashed
1 tsp vanilla extract
2 tbls sour cream

Preheat oven to 350 degrees and grease a breadpan. Mix flour and cinnamon and set aside. Mix bananas, sour cream, and vanilla and set aside.

In a bowl, whisk together sugar and eggs for ten minutes. Slowly whisk in oil. Stir in banana mixture. Add flour mixture. Pour into breadpan and bake 45-60 mins depending on oven. Let cool ten minutes before serving.

Execution

I mean, just look at that recipe. So easy! Let's get to it!

Ingredients




Get the oven and pan ready. Once again, I use Crisco to grease things because it makes them extra delicious. As you can see from the picture, I already dumped the cinnamon into the flour, so no big deal there.

Then mash up your bananas with either a handheld potato masher or a fork - they're overripe, so this should be really easy.



Add in the sour cream and vanilla and mix it all up into a gooey mess, then put it aside.



Now comes the arm-killing part. Whisking. Ugh. Add the eggs in with the sugar...



...and then spend the next ten minutes wishing you'd worked out more. Seriously, nothing makes you feel more like a loser than realizing how weak of a whisker you are. But do it! Ten minutes! Time yourself, you gotta get it all delicious!



Then just slowly drizzle the oil in and whisk it. I usually just dump a little in and then whisk, repeat repeat repeat. For a 1/2 cup of oil, it should take you about six or seven rounds. When you're done, it'll be all shiny like pearls. Preeeeeetty.



Now dump that in with the 'Naner mixture and stir it up good.



And then dump the flour in and mix it. It won't get thick like dough; it'll still be way more like cake batter than bread dough, as seen below when I poured it into the breadpan:



Throw that sucker in the oven and bake it for 45-60 minutes. My oven only takes 45 minutes because it cooks like a boss. When you pull it out, take a moment to enjoy the golden deliciosity of it all!



Mmmmm. I am an asshole, and wanted some RIGHT NOW so I cut into it immediately. Which is why in this picture you can see both the steam coming off of it, and also how it slumps a little once it's cut - that's because I didn't give it time to settle and solidify. Don't do like me. Unless, like me, you don't give a damn what it looks like and just want the nummy in your belly.



If you're feeling especially fond of fatassery, put a smidge of butter on it while it's still hot. You'll thank me for it. I promise. :D

Trailer Park Toffee

Difficulty Rating:

I can't believe I'm putting this on the website. This may be the weirdest thing I've ever made, and when I saw the recipe for it, I giggled and said it sounded like the strangest thing ever. I disbelieved. And then it was done, and I tried it... and then I ate, like, four more pieces. So since I was very much against this recipe before I even tried it (for example, it is not actually called Trailer Park Toffee, I was just being a jerkface), I have decided to eat my crow as thoroughly as possible and post it up for the rest of you to try. Enjoy!

Recipe

1 sleeve of saltine crackers
1 c. light brown sugar
2 sticks of butter
12 oz bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Cover a cookie sheet with tin foil. Place crackers flat on foil to cover.

In saucepan, melt butter and add sugar. Boil, then reduce to medium heat and simmer for 3 minutes, stirring constantly. Pour and spread over crackers. Bake 7 minutes.

Remove from oven and let cool 3 minutes. Pour chocolate chips evenly over the crackers, then bake 30 seconds to soften up the chocolate. Remove and spread the chocolate to cover. Refrigerate.

Execution

I know what you're thinking - saltines don't make toffee! However, the crackers make it deliciously salty AND sweet. Oh man. I'm having to force myself not to go raid the fridge right now.

Ingredients

I know it only shows one stick of butter, but use two.

Lay out the crackers. Now, I learned the hard way that you should really curl the tin foil up around the edges. I'll show you why in a minute.

Melt the butter and add the brown sugar...

...stir it all together and bring it to a boil!

Boil it for about 3 minutes, until it gets kinda foamy. This is a a variable, because if you don't cook it long enough it'll stay liquid, but if you cook it too long it'll turn rock hard and you won't be able to eat it.

Once it's cooked, pour it over the crackers. This'll be messy, but it's okay!

Then spread it around if you need to. Don't worry, the ones on the edge won't be as gooey. It's to be expected.

However, this is when you'll learn why you should curl the edges up to keep the liquid from dripping off edges. Or at least put some clean baking sheets under it to catch the drips. Because stuff can and WILL catch on fire. Hence the need for all the baking soda.

Whee! Okay, well, everything's salvaged, so just keep going! Pour the chocolate chips over it, then stick 'em back in the oven for a minute, just long enough so that they start to melt, and then spread the chocolate out over the whole thing.

Put it in the fridge for a couple hours to firm up, then break it up into pieces and serve! Look at that... I mean, it looks delicious! And it is delicious! Who'da thought, huh?

Om nom nom... nom nom sticky om nom.

Pecan Pie

Difficulty Rating:

I'm not even going to lie - I forgot to take pictures of the stuff while I made it. But it's such an awesome and perfect recipe that I can't help but go ahead and post it! So all you get is the finished product and the recipe, but trust me when I say it's the easiest dessert to make in the world. Gordon Ramsey's tiramisu took more effort.

Now I know what you're thinking - if this is so stupid-easy, why is it a 4-Cookie Recipe? Well, that's just because pecans aren't that easy to come by in some parts of the world. I mean, in Mississippi I could literally just walk outside and pick them off the ground, but they're a bit harder to find here in New York City. But if you search around in some of the specialty markets, you should be able to find a bag. And keep in mind that pecans can be frozen for... well, forever, kinda. I had mine in the freezer for about two years and this pie turned out spectacular. It's only a 4-Cookie because of the one ingredient. Otherwise, easy as pie.

Yes, I went there.

Recipe

1/2 stick butter, softened
1/2 c. sugar
1 tbsp flour
1/2 tsp salt
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
1 c. pecans, chopped fine
1 c. Karo syrup
1 frozen pie crust

Using a fork, combine the butter and sugar. Add flour and salt and combine. Add the rest of the ingredients and mix well. Pour into pie crust and cook at 300 degrees for an hour.

Execution

A few notes on the ingredients.

Apparently, it is very odd outside of the South for people to leave butter on the counter. Everyone I know keeps it in the refrigerator where it stays hard as a rock and isn't any good for spreading on toast. So if you don't keep a stick of butter softened at all times, you can just put it in the microwave for 20 seconds to get it to the proper state. Just be sure NOT to melt it.

Also, you can cut the pecans up by hand but that gets rather messy. As I stated in the post on Kitchen Basics, I like to use a Food Chopper for such things. Noisy, but oh-so-convenient!

And it doesn't matter whether you use dark or white Karo syrup. I prefer dark if I have to just pick one. My grandma always mixes half of each. Up to you whether you want to shell out for the second bottle or not.

Now. To make it!

Throw the softened butter and sugar in a bowl and squish it up with a fork until it's combined completely. That's exactly what my recipe says, by the way: squish!

Add in the flour and salt, and squish again. It may threaten to get a teensy bit dry, but the main point is to try not to leave any big chunks of butter unmixed.

I like to add the eggs and vanilla, mix again, then the pecans, mix again, and then the syrup, but my gramma just dumps it all in at once and stirs it up. It'll end up a sloppy, gooey brown mess either way. Mmmm. Sugary syrup.

Pour this into a pie crust - I like the 9" deep dish ones best. As a side note, those come two to a package, so I usually double the recipe and just make two pies, but that's entirely up to you. You can decorate it with unchopped pecans if you like; my gramma covers the whole top in them, but I like to make a design so I can avoid them when I cut myself a piece. Weird as it is, I hate whole pecans. The only way I'll eat them is in this pie.

Pre-heat your oven to 300 degrees and cook the pies for about an hour. I find it usually ends up being a little more than that, but I start checking it after an hour.

Knowing when your pie is done is a somewhat subjective artform in and of itself. The best thing to do is to check it about 45 minutes in: open the oven and (using an oven mitt, of course) jiggle the rack gently. You'll see the middle of the pies wiggle as if they're still all liquidy. This is what you are trying to overcome - you do NOT want a jiggly middle.

How like life, huh?

So after an hour, check it every five minutes or so. Just jiggle it slightly to see if the middle has firmed up yet. Don't be tempted to turn up the heat, because doing so will just burn the crust on your pie instead of cooking it any better. Be patient, and eventually you'll jostle the thing and it'll just sit there and be all brown and perfect.

Like that! How awesome is that? A Southern delicacy, all for you. Here's a close-up so you can see what the consistency looks like:

Now, you can, of course, serve it immediately, but it'll fall apart a bit when you try to get it onto the plate. If you let it sit a little while it'll firm up a bit more and be easier to serve. Since it's made of syrup and butter, you don't really have to refrigerate it as long as you're gonna finish it within the week. And really, who could possibly leave a pecan pie laying around for more than a week?? No one in my house, that's for damn sure.

Chocolate Crackle Bitches

Difficulty Rating:

This is a recipe that I got from a friend of mine several years ago and have been obsessed with ever since. I don't remember how the name came about exactly. I think it used to be "Spicy Chocolate Crackle Bitches" but that was just too much.

No matter what you call them, these slightly spicy chocolate cookies are fantastic!

Recipe:

1 box Devil's Food Cake mix
1/3 c. vegetable oil
2 large eggs
2 tbls ground ginger
2 tsp ground pepper
1 tbls water
1/2 c. mini-chocolate chips
1/4 c. sugar

Combine all ingredients except chocolate chips and sugar. Add chocolate chips. Form 1/2 inch balls and roll in sugar to coat. Place on parchment paper or greased cookie sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for 9 minutes - cookies should be soft and cracked on the top.

Execution:

My friend and I have recently been discussing how to make this from scratch instead of using cake mix, but I kinda like the convenience of it all. I also prefer dark chocolate, so instead of mini-chocolate chips I just cut up a bar and a half of dark chocolate into little bits and use that.

Ingredients:

Note that I forgot to put the eggs on the counter for this picture. I know, I know.

Mix everything but the chocolate bits and the sugar together. It'll be pretty solid once it's done, just squish it all up and make sure there's not big lumps.

Now, I usually use more spices than the recipe calls for. I like my cookies spicy. So in actuality I usually use about 3 tbls of ginger and 2 tbls of pepper. You can try the original recipe or add some more, it's totally up to you.

Then you mush in your chocolate!

I know it doesn't look very different, but there's a bunch of chocolaty pieces in there now.

Now start pulling off bits and rolling them into little balls, maybe an inch across. Don't make them too big because these won't flatten out like normal cookies - they'll bake up, not out. If you make them too big the middle won't cook all the way.

Then roll them in sugar...

..and plop them on a greased cookie sheet. I actually prefer to just grease a bit of tin foil, that way clean-up's easier.

Leave enough space between them to bake. These take practically no time at all - the first sheet will be done before you've finished preparing the second sheet. I find this usually makes about two cookie-sheets' worth of cookies.

All crackly on the outside, warm and gooey on the inside, just a little spicy, extra chocolaty... oh man, these are the best cookies ever!

Dreamsicle Cake

Difficulty Rating:

I'd like to preface this particular entry by saying that I am the worst, please believe me, the worst cake froster in the history of frosting cakes. My cakes always end up looking like some mutant half-melted monstrosity, and I'm okay with it because they're delicious. So just, you know, don't worry about the pictures. Your cake will look better, I promise.

Recipe:

Cake

1 box White cake mix
3 oz (one box) orange jello mix
1/3 c. vegetable oil
1 1/4 c. water
4 eggs
1 tsp orange extract

Icing

8 oz sour cream
1 1/4 c. sugar
Orange juice - 1/2 c. with pulp, 1/3 c. without pulp
1 tub Cool Whip

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Mix cake ingredients and pour into 2 - 9 inch round cake pans. Bake, cool, and slice cakes in half to make four layers.

Combine all icing ingredients except Cool Whip. Fold in Cool Whip, then spread between layers, on top, and on sides of cake.


Execution:

This is a fairly easy cake to make - the icing is actually the most complicated part, but I think using the word "complicated" is, in itself, a stretch. Let's make a delicious cake happen, shall we?

Ingredients:

The first rule of baking is that you always mix your dry ingredients first and then add your wet ingredients. This keeps things from clumping together, which is never good in baking.

I've changed this recipe a bit - it originally used orange cake mix. But orange cake mix is hard to find in a lot of stores, and besides that it makes the flavor a bit too overpowering. I always remember Dreamsicles being a subtle, creamy orange flavor instead of a straight punch-in-the-face of orange. So I use white cake mix instead and just throw an extra little bit of orange extract if I want it to be more orangey.

So! Mix your dry ingredients...

...and then add your wet and whisk it up. You can also just use a fork or slotted spoon if you don't have a whisk. Some people say to use an electric mixer, but I don't really see the need.

Then you pour that goop into two greased round cake pans and stick 'em in the oven. Cook it according to the box's directions - I think this particular cake called for 27 minutes.

While that's cooking, get your ingredients together for the icing:

Mix everything but the Cool Whip together. After making this several times, I've adjusted the amount of OJ needed based on pulp content just because the non-pulp version tends to be more watery so you need less of it.

Then you'll want to fold in your Cool Whip. There is a distinct difference between mixing and folding. Mixing usually breaks it down a little too far and leaves it less icing-y than you'll want. In order to demonstrate, I've shot the first ever video for The Apartment Chef to show you the technique.

For the record, rocking out to Muse makes the cake taste better.



Once you've got the icing all done, stick it in the fridge until the cakes are done.

Oh, look! Cakes are done! Take those suckers out, get 'em out of the pan, and let 'em cool for a while.

They should get down to room temperature. Once they're cool, use a large knife to saw them in half so you have four layers. I have illustrated below, with one already cut and the other in the process:

The trick to making a four-layer cake is positioning the layers. When it bakes, the cake will naturally have a curve on the top and a flat bottom. If you try to stack them the same way, they'll end up middle heavy and you'll get a crack in the middle. I discovered this one year when I made my easter cake. My friends can attest to the earthquake that hit it right down the middle. So the solution is to turn some of them over. You'll want the first curved part face-down on the plate, followed by the bottom to match, then do the top two layers upright. Sort of like the horizontal version of this: ( | | ) Which is not an emoticon for boobs. It's CAKE, people.

Then you just start slopping the icing on there. As you can see, I am especially sloppy about it.

Get it all between the layers and then do the tops and sides. It should end up looking something like this, though surely better since I am the suck at frosting a cake.

And now you have a delicious cake! Just cut into that bad boy and eat the crap out of it.

Yummy!