Chocolate Crackle Bitches

Difficulty Rating:

This is a recipe that I got from a friend of mine several years ago and have been obsessed with ever since. I don't remember how the name came about exactly. I think it used to be "Spicy Chocolate Crackle Bitches" but that was just too much.

No matter what you call them, these slightly spicy chocolate cookies are fantastic!

Recipe:

1 box Devil's Food Cake mix
1/3 c. vegetable oil
2 large eggs
2 tbls ground ginger
2 tsp ground pepper
1 tbls water
1/2 c. mini-chocolate chips
1/4 c. sugar

Combine all ingredients except chocolate chips and sugar. Add chocolate chips. Form 1/2 inch balls and roll in sugar to coat. Place on parchment paper or greased cookie sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for 9 minutes - cookies should be soft and cracked on the top.

Execution:

My friend and I have recently been discussing how to make this from scratch instead of using cake mix, but I kinda like the convenience of it all. I also prefer dark chocolate, so instead of mini-chocolate chips I just cut up a bar and a half of dark chocolate into little bits and use that.

Ingredients:

Note that I forgot to put the eggs on the counter for this picture. I know, I know.

Mix everything but the chocolate bits and the sugar together. It'll be pretty solid once it's done, just squish it all up and make sure there's not big lumps.

Now, I usually use more spices than the recipe calls for. I like my cookies spicy. So in actuality I usually use about 3 tbls of ginger and 2 tbls of pepper. You can try the original recipe or add some more, it's totally up to you.

Then you mush in your chocolate!

I know it doesn't look very different, but there's a bunch of chocolaty pieces in there now.

Now start pulling off bits and rolling them into little balls, maybe an inch across. Don't make them too big because these won't flatten out like normal cookies - they'll bake up, not out. If you make them too big the middle won't cook all the way.

Then roll them in sugar...

..and plop them on a greased cookie sheet. I actually prefer to just grease a bit of tin foil, that way clean-up's easier.

Leave enough space between them to bake. These take practically no time at all - the first sheet will be done before you've finished preparing the second sheet. I find this usually makes about two cookie-sheets' worth of cookies.

All crackly on the outside, warm and gooey on the inside, just a little spicy, extra chocolaty... oh man, these are the best cookies ever!

Cheesy Corn Chowder

Difficulty Rating:

I'm so full, I can't believe I'm even able to type. Holy crap. I forgot how good this stuff is.

Recipe:

8 large potatoes, peeled and diced
1 small bar of Velveeta cheese (16 oz), cubed
2 cans creamed corn
2 cans sliced carrots
Salt & pepper
Garlic powder

Put potatoes in large pot and add just enough water to cover potatoes. Bring to a boil and cook until soft.

Reduce heat to low. Add cheese in small handfuls and stir to melt. Once melted, stir in corn. Stir in seasonings. Stir in carrots.

Execution:

This is 2 cookies only because Velveeta is usually only found in grocery stores. The hardest thing about this chowder is not making yourself sick eating it. Mmmmm.

Ingredients:

Pretty basic. I usually get an extra can of corn and an extra block of cheese, mainly because potatoes come in different sizes and you may find it's not cheesy enough (add more cheese) or too thick (add more creamed corn).

This is pretty much gonna just be me saying "Add stuff and stir," so I figured I'd spice up the entry a little by showing you what is, in my opinion, the best way to dice potatoes.

(1) Slice in half.
(2) Slice that lengthwise.
(3) Cut that into long slices.
(4) Dice.

This method ensures you always have a flat side down on the cutting board so your potatoes aren't sliding all over the place and endangering your precious fingers under the knife. Illustrated below!

Well that was fun. Another tip: to keep potatoes from browning once you peel them, immediately put them in a bowl of water. Same once you've diced them - exposing them to air is what does it, so just keep 'em in a bowl until you're ready.

And once you ARE ready... throw 'em in a pot and fill with just enough cool water to cover them.

Bring this to a boil, then continue to let boil until the potatoes are soft. This will take less time than you think because they're all chopped up. Just use a fork and try to mush a piece against the side of the pot. If there's no resistance, they're ready!

You can just leave 'em in the pot and turn down the heat. Grab a hand masher (or big slotted spoon if you don't have a masher) and smush the potatoes until you get a slightly chunky, chowder-like consistency.

Kitchen Buddha approves of the potato masher. It totally tickles his chakras.

Add cheese! Do this only a handful at a time because if you dump it all in at once some of the cheese won't melt. Just add, stir it for a little while, then add some more.

Once that's done, pour in the two cans of creamed corn. By now it should be a happy golden color:

I always add my seasonings at this point, since it's easier to taste when you're not fighting to keep carrots off your spoon. I stay pretty basic: salt, pepper, garlic powder. Then I dump in the carrots.

Ta-da! This stuff is seriously not messing around. It's thick, gooey, delicious, and will fill you right up. This is absolutely pants-unbuttoning food. :)

Disclaimer: The Apartment Chef is not responsible for any deaths as a result of overeating any of her recipes. She admits that it is just that damn good, but you knew what you were getting into.

Lemon Pasta

Difficulty Rating:

I'm putting this down as a 1 Cookie recipe because it's painfully simple and you probably have everything except the lemons already. There is a bit of a variation on the recipe if you wanna get fancy, but I'll explain that later.

Recipe:

1 lb pasta
2/3 cup grated Parmesan cheese
2/3 cup olive oil (extra-virgin preferred)
1/2 cup fresh lemon juice, about 4 lemons
salt and pepper

Boil the pasta and drain.

Mix remaining ingredients. Pour over pasta. Mix until the pasta is well covered. Serve hot or cold.

Execution:

The thing I love about this recipe is its versatility. This is the most basic version of this recipe, but I will often add other things to it: grilled chicken, sauteed broccoli, fresh diced tomatoes, anything really. It's also delicious both hot and cold, so it's perfect right off the stove or refrigerated and brought to a picnic. Yum!

Ingredients:

No, this is not an ad for Ronzoni, they were just having a sale at Trade Fair. Shut up.

As far as which kind of pasta to use, it really doesn't matter. I've made it with spaghetti, angel hair, rotini, small shells, linguine... really, whatever you like. I find that using something with texture or nooks-slash-crannies (rotini, bow ties, shells, spaghetti rigata) works best because then there's places for the delicious cheesy-lemon sauce to get stuck in.

First step: boil the pasta.

Boil, kitchen Buddha, boil! Use your magic zen kitty dragon rainbow chakra power ding!

Next, juice the lemons. A note on making things easy: I don't have any fancy juicer, I just use a fork and my ten little fin'ers. If you have a juicer that's fine, go crazy. But if not, and you just want to juice them by hand, start by rolling the lemons on the counter.

Just roll them from fingertips to palm, squishing the lemon, and that'll break up some of the pulp and make it easier to get the nummy juice out. Cut 'em in half, then strain the seeds. I usually do this by sticking the collander on top of the measuring cup and juicing it there...

... but you can always just juice 'em into a bowl and pick the seeds out by hand. I do that when I'm feeling too lazy to wash the collander.

Now that you've got your juice, dump the oil and cheese into it. I'm using the basic powdered cheese we all know and love, which will henceforth be known as Shakey Cheese. If you can afford it, go ahead and get a chunk of parmesan and grate it yourself - it's a hundred times better. Not that this isn't delicious, but real parmesan is like a party in your freaking mouth.

Anyway, mix 'em all up. It'll probably still separate a little (for all you scientists out there, this is a suspention mixture) but that's fine, just mix it up again before you pour it. You can add salt and pepper to this mixture or put it on the pasta after you've mixed it all together, it's up to you.

You should be able to do all this and have a beer before the pasta's done boiling. Once it's done, drain it and put it in a big ol' bowl. Then just pour your cheesey-lemon sauce over it.

Just dump it all in, you don't have to do anything special. Then mix it all up so the pasta gets completely coated, and sha-zam! Delicious lemon pasta!

The original recipe for this says that at this point you should add 1/3 cup fresh chopped basil. This is an AWESOME idea and I love doing it. Basil is my favorite fresh herb to use, and it makes it super colorful (because, let's face it, this is kinda monotone, yes?). I just forgot to get basil at the store, so none for me. Also, fresh basil kinda makes this a 2 Cookie Recipe. Anyway, I recommend that if you have access to basil, you throw it in there. You can also try sauted spinach, that's good. I mean, anything that's light and tastes good with lemon and cheese. Experiment, dump it in there, see what happens!

I myself am a lover of cheese, so I always put a bunch of extra cheese in mine.

You can believe, dear reader, that I ate the crap out of that. Mmmmm.

Another update on updates

Things to look forward to this week:

Puerco Pibil
Lemon Pasta
Spaghetti Bolognese (which is non-traditional in that we use whatever's in the fridge)
Cheesy Corn Chowder
Beef Stroganoff
Chocolate Crackle Bitches (which are cookies)

There may or may not be Chicken Picata depending on whether Tim brings over the ingredients or not. That's a little pricey to make, and we used all our grocery money for the previously mentioned stuff. And lots of cheese. Oh man, we got so much cheese.

There's also been some requests for my Rabbit Stew, which I generally only make at Easter; I'm not making it unless someone else buys the meat and wine. That is way beyond my budget to make for a blog. :P

Now that you're all drooling, you have to wait til tomorrow! Haha! By which I mean... someone else already made me dinner.

Update about updates

Sorry there hasn't been a recipe yet this week, but the situation is as follows:

(A) I started college this week, and not having gone to college for nearly ten years makes this a sort of monumentally stressed occasion. Plus I just spent half my rent's worth of money on books that are nonreturnable and were unable to be bought used. It's a business, people, don't ever let 'em tell you otherwise.

(B) We haven't gone grocery shopping this week. But we're doing that today.

So expect delicious recipes soon, my loves, and in the meantime try out some of the ones already here!

Dreamsicle Cake

Difficulty Rating:

I'd like to preface this particular entry by saying that I am the worst, please believe me, the worst cake froster in the history of frosting cakes. My cakes always end up looking like some mutant half-melted monstrosity, and I'm okay with it because they're delicious. So just, you know, don't worry about the pictures. Your cake will look better, I promise.

Recipe:

Cake

1 box White cake mix
3 oz (one box) orange jello mix
1/3 c. vegetable oil
1 1/4 c. water
4 eggs
1 tsp orange extract

Icing

8 oz sour cream
1 1/4 c. sugar
Orange juice - 1/2 c. with pulp, 1/3 c. without pulp
1 tub Cool Whip

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Mix cake ingredients and pour into 2 - 9 inch round cake pans. Bake, cool, and slice cakes in half to make four layers.

Combine all icing ingredients except Cool Whip. Fold in Cool Whip, then spread between layers, on top, and on sides of cake.


Execution:

This is a fairly easy cake to make - the icing is actually the most complicated part, but I think using the word "complicated" is, in itself, a stretch. Let's make a delicious cake happen, shall we?

Ingredients:

The first rule of baking is that you always mix your dry ingredients first and then add your wet ingredients. This keeps things from clumping together, which is never good in baking.

I've changed this recipe a bit - it originally used orange cake mix. But orange cake mix is hard to find in a lot of stores, and besides that it makes the flavor a bit too overpowering. I always remember Dreamsicles being a subtle, creamy orange flavor instead of a straight punch-in-the-face of orange. So I use white cake mix instead and just throw an extra little bit of orange extract if I want it to be more orangey.

So! Mix your dry ingredients...

...and then add your wet and whisk it up. You can also just use a fork or slotted spoon if you don't have a whisk. Some people say to use an electric mixer, but I don't really see the need.

Then you pour that goop into two greased round cake pans and stick 'em in the oven. Cook it according to the box's directions - I think this particular cake called for 27 minutes.

While that's cooking, get your ingredients together for the icing:

Mix everything but the Cool Whip together. After making this several times, I've adjusted the amount of OJ needed based on pulp content just because the non-pulp version tends to be more watery so you need less of it.

Then you'll want to fold in your Cool Whip. There is a distinct difference between mixing and folding. Mixing usually breaks it down a little too far and leaves it less icing-y than you'll want. In order to demonstrate, I've shot the first ever video for The Apartment Chef to show you the technique.

For the record, rocking out to Muse makes the cake taste better.



Once you've got the icing all done, stick it in the fridge until the cakes are done.

Oh, look! Cakes are done! Take those suckers out, get 'em out of the pan, and let 'em cool for a while.

They should get down to room temperature. Once they're cool, use a large knife to saw them in half so you have four layers. I have illustrated below, with one already cut and the other in the process:

The trick to making a four-layer cake is positioning the layers. When it bakes, the cake will naturally have a curve on the top and a flat bottom. If you try to stack them the same way, they'll end up middle heavy and you'll get a crack in the middle. I discovered this one year when I made my easter cake. My friends can attest to the earthquake that hit it right down the middle. So the solution is to turn some of them over. You'll want the first curved part face-down on the plate, followed by the bottom to match, then do the top two layers upright. Sort of like the horizontal version of this: ( | | ) Which is not an emoticon for boobs. It's CAKE, people.

Then you just start slopping the icing on there. As you can see, I am especially sloppy about it.

Get it all between the layers and then do the tops and sides. It should end up looking something like this, though surely better since I am the suck at frosting a cake.

And now you have a delicious cake! Just cut into that bad boy and eat the crap out of it.

Yummy!

Taco Bake

Difficulty Rating:

This is, quite possibly, the least healthy recipe I will ever put up on this website. In general, I like the food you make to be good and good for you. But sometimes you just need something greasy, heavy, disgusting and delicious. This is the recipe for you!

Recipe:

1 lb. ground beef
2 cans of crescent rolls
4 oz (about half a tub or three spoonfuls) sour cream
1 packet of taco seasoning
1 - 15oz can tomato sauce
2 cups shredded cheese
2 cups crushed tortilla chips
salt & pepper

In medium skillet, brown beef with salt and pepper to taste.

While browning the meat, press the crescent roll dough into the bottom of a cassarole dish. Cover in a layer of crushed tortilla chips, about 1 cup.

Once the meat is browned, add the tomato sauce and taco seasoning. Simmer about five minutes or until thickened. Pour into casserole dish. Smooth sour cream over that. Cover in cheese, then top with the rest of the tortilla chips.

Bake at 350 degrees for 10-15 minutes or until crescent rolls are brown along the edge.
_____

Execution:

It's so good. Oh man, I'm just thinking about how delicious this was.

Ingredients:

First thing's first - brown the meat. Throw some salt and pepper in there for good measure.

While the meat is cooking, grease a glass casserole dish and line it with the crescent roll dough. Just mush it against the sides and bottom, it's doesn't have to be particularly pretty.

Crush up a few handfuls of tortilla chips in the bottom. This is a great use for old stale chips.

Once the meat is all cooked, you should put a spoonful or two on a paper plate and reward the pets for being awesome...

...and then add the tomato sauce and taco seasoning to the rest. Simmer for about five minutes or until the sauce thickens up a bit.

Once that's all done, pour it into the casserole dish and spread it out flat.

Then comes the layer of sour cream...

Then the layer of shredded cheese and tortilla chips...

Stick that bad boy in the oven at 350 degrees, and a few minutes later you've got something amazing. It's freakin' fantastic. Mmmmm.

Again, this ain't exactly the healthiest thing in the world, but if you like tacos you'll love this. You can also add chopped tomatoes or onions or whatever before the cheese and chip layer. Yum!

Special thanks to my mom for letting me turn her nummy dinner into a blog post. Love you Kate!

UPDATE!
I've been told by a friend who made this and doesn't have an insanely hot oven like my mum that the dough takes closer to 25 minutes to brown in normal ovens. That's fine, just cook it 'til the dough gets crispy and yummy. Enjoy!